Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
