I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
