I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
