I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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