What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
