dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
