i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
