Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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