I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
