she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
