i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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