We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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