Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
