if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
