Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
