Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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