you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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