I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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