I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
