Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
