Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
