when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
