A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
