On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
