he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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