I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
