When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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