you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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