I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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