Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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