Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
