i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
