Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
