no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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