when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
