I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
