I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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