i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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