god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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