We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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