I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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