My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
