shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Randomize
