His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
