you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
