all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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