I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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