My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
