Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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