Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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