Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
